After being in Florida for over 3 weeks, having the opportunity to relax and being forced to do nothing that required real effort of my part; I had come to the conclusion that doing nothing for an extended period of time, is viciously poisonous to the brain, or at least for my brain. My mind was going to all source of dark places, therefore I was feeling like I wasn't bringing anything important to my life, to my family and much less to the world.
I was feeling annoyed by meaningless tasks, like going shopping or listening to less than inspiring conversations about politics, or by sitting after dinner to watch TV.
I was feeling suffocated by my lack of meaningful actions. A week after we arrived,when we were in one of those shopping trip, I bought a notebook and a small pad to write my thoughts and my feelings,because I was desperate to change my mindset, and to stop my ego, and to accept things, people, and circumstances, the way they are, but most importantly, to be grateful and to have a more positive outlook in life.
I was focusing on what I wanted to be, have, or do instead of enjoying the moments with my family. I was making all sorts of plans to go and do with them, and I was getting frustrated because they just wanted to relax because that is what vacations are to them. To me, vacations are to explore and to have new experiences, but I realized quickly enough that the world doesn't revolve around me, it shouldn't.
The practice of writing my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams and expectations; gave me a new perspective. Being grateful for every new day, and seeing it as a new opportunity to learn, to grow and to accept what simply is; truly changed my mind set as it started to show results. Suddenly I went on to noticing the good of everything around me, especially, my family.
I started to let go of expectations of what other's should or not think, say or do, and simply accept them for the wonderful human beings that they are.
Enjoying simple pleasures like going for a home-made, delicious ice cream with them, or embracing our daily routine of going to the pool every morning, then going for dinner to either my mother-in-law's house, or to a restaurant (after having lunch and taking showers), instead of searching for thrill filled adventures, redefined my urge for more, into lowering my expectations and raising my own standards of giving my all, without looking for approval or presuming that I would get something in return.
My biggest take away from being on vacation mode, and not having internet (just for a few minutes some days) for a prolonged period of time, was that my mind was restless, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sit still, I had a feeling of urgency, that was driving me bananas, because of my lack of productivity, more specifically my creativity was stagnant.
The most crucial point was or still is; my fear of putting myself out there, to the world, but I realized that not doing what is in my heart and in my mind to do, is destroying my inner peace.
I heard an interview with David Goggins (you should google him if you don't know about him already, he is amazing) where he says "If you want to find peace, you need to go to war with yourself." Wow...this really struck me and it answered my question of: Why I've being feeling so restless, specially during the vacation time when I am supposed to feel more relaxed?
The answer is; the fear had taken over me, as I stopped working on myself, as I stopped learning and growing ,and as I stopped to write.
Even though my writing is not perfect, I know I am not perfect, but the only way to grow is to fail! Even if I am failing, I am starting to feel alive, because I am trying to beat my fear, and this constant war inside myself, and to defeat my own self-destructive narrative.
I invite you to find your inner peace, by going to war with yourself and therefore finding your happiness trough designing the life you want to live. A life worth living!
Thank you for stopping by!